Sometimes I think that every back pedal or every bit of pain is just another piece being peeled away from my soul. Positivity is a nice idea. I work on it. I really nail it once in a while. Sometimes I wake up and it doesn't seem like the world is immediately caving in on me. But then I give it a few minutes to process and it's like whoa. People are dying. Hearts are being broken. Someone else is just as lost as I am. I'm not alone in this even if it isn't someone close to me that is experiencing similar feelings. And it's comforting regardless.
These past few months have been tough. I've lost some very dear people whether it be to death or just leaving my life in some capacity or another. I'm getting older and things seem to affect me more than they used to. Death is more real and in my face because let's be honest, I'm not getting any younger. By a realistic standard I suppose I'm still young but I know a ridiculous amount of people younger than I who have full fledged families while I'm here still trying to figure out if I'll ever even love someone again or if I'll be just some silly sack of sad wondering what could have been.
I turned 31 and I thought "ok, if you live as long as your mother you've got 20 years left." Absolutely terrifying.
People die. I know this. You don't get to avoid this truth while working in facilities with the elderly. It's a fact of life. It still makes you grief stricken because loss is loss no matter how you try to decorate it. It hurt losing an 83 year old person who was not a blood relative that i still held dearly in my heart that I had grown close to. It was heart wrenching to lose my 38 year old cousin to cervical cancer whom I had not seen in 6 years that had 3 young boys who will not be able to be raised by an amazing mother. A lot of this is due to the fact that her mother was very close to my mother. When my mother died I became very close to my aunt. It's devastating to try and understand her pain, and I know I cannot. What I can say is that it's so wonderful to see how well loved she was by so many people. When I go I hope people feel the same for me.
I just feel that life is so fickle and fleeting. Some people never find love. Love never finds some people. If you can find someone that loves you despite your differences then maybe it's best to hold on if you can. Anything can change in the blink of an eye. Why waste time over some silly disagreements and nonsense when there are things that are so much bigger than that; so much bigger than all of us? Who cares what little fights or fusses we had when in the grand scheme none of that really matters? Hold on tight to what you love. It may not be there tomorrow.
