Insert generic holiday blog post title

I began this post on Christmas Eve and now I'm carrying it through to now which is technically New Year's Eve. I've done a lot of reflecting. I talked to my mom as I often do when I'm having a meltdown. I like to ask her  what to do or how to handle things. Holidays bring me such mixed feelings. I feel so lonely even when I'm not alone. So I'll sit. And think. Maybe not drink anymore. Margarita and two beers is probably enough. So Netflix. Maybe Talihina Sky for the the billionth time. It usually makes me feel better. Until I see a guy like Caleb married to a girl like Lily and I know I'll never be a 6 foot tall super model. 

Sometimes I think that every back pedal or every bit of pain is just another piece being peeled away from my soul. Positivity is a nice idea. I work on it. I really nail it once in a while. Sometimes I wake up and it doesn't seem like the world is immediately caving in on me. But then I give it a few minutes to process and it's like whoa. People are dying. Hearts are being broken. Someone else is just as lost as I am. I'm not alone in this even if it isn't someone close to me that is experiencing similar feelings. And it's comforting regardless. 

These past few months have been tough. I've lost some very dear people whether it be to death or just leaving my life in some capacity or another. I'm getting older and things seem to affect me more than they used to. Death is more real and in my face because let's be honest, I'm not getting any younger. By a realistic standard I suppose I'm still young but I know a ridiculous amount of people younger than I who have full fledged families while I'm here still trying to figure out if I'll ever even love someone again or if I'll be just some silly sack of sad wondering what could have been. 

I turned 31 and I thought "ok, if you live as long as your mother you've got 20 years left." Absolutely terrifying. 

People die. I know this. You don't get to avoid this truth while working in facilities with the elderly. It's a fact of life. It still makes you grief stricken because loss is loss no matter how you try to decorate it. It hurt losing an 83 year old person who was not a blood relative that i still held dearly in my heart that I had grown close to. It was heart wrenching to lose my 38 year old cousin to cervical cancer whom I had not seen in 6 years that had 3 young boys who will not be able to be raised by an amazing mother. A lot of this is due to the fact that her mother was very close to my mother. When my mother died I became very close to my aunt. It's devastating to try and understand her pain, and I know I cannot. What I can say is that it's so wonderful to see how well loved she was by so many people. When I go I hope people feel the same for me.  

I just feel that life is so fickle and fleeting. Some people never find love. Love never finds some people. If you can find someone that loves you despite your differences then maybe it's best to hold on if you can. Anything can change in the blink of an eye. Why waste time over some silly disagreements and nonsense when there are things that are so much bigger than that;  so much bigger than all of us? Who cares what little fights or fusses we had when in the grand scheme none of that really matters? Hold on tight to what you love. It may not be there tomorrow. 

Your comfort zone will suffocate you. Your fear will eat you alive.

Here we are. Again. I'm sitting here staring it in the face. That debilitating sadness that I can't shake. I know it will pass. This time I can't wait until it goes away. And again, I know it will. 99% of the people I talk to have the same reaction. Basically it's one big "REALLY?!" And I get to hear how wonderful people think I am. It's nice, but it doesn't change anything. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm just downright unfair and cruel. Maybe cruel is the wrong word. Unreasonable, perhaps. And so are you. We all are. We all have lows. We all have highs. Right now I'm lower than I thought I would be over a situation I didn't even want from the very beginning. I made a choice and my feelings followed suit. I guess it's good that I can admit I've been wrong. Some can't. But I'm not writing to justify my actions. I'm writing because I need to get it out. I'm writing because I should have been doing this all along.

Fear is a wild, ferocious animal. It will come to get you. It won't let you shake up your world and honestly we need to be shaken up every now and again. It will destroy you. Luckily I won't be here to see it. Sex and the city said it wonderfully and truthfully. Some people take up a few pages or maybe one chapter. Some day someone will finish the book. Just not today. And now I see why. Maybe I try and I fail and it's a cycle that can be disappointing at times. But guess what? At least I try. And one day something will stick. I won't have to worry about "what if?" I won't be haunted by regret. 

You love. You lose. You learn. I don't possess a fragile heart by any means. I've seen some grief and tragedy in my 31 years. I can get through anything. I shouldn't even leave it at that. I should be able to accomplish anything. I suppose I was hoping that in spite of my feelings, my opinions and my downfalls that someone would actually fight for me. Stand by me. Defend me. Show some empathy and understanding. Easier said than done, it seems. I know brighter days are coming. Right now the pain is coursing through my body like I'm willingly injecting it into my own veins. It's a part of me and I need to let it take its course. It will fade as everything does and sun will shine itself on me again. 

Sometimes these things blow my mind

I will preface this post by saying this: All of my female friends are amazing, strong, hilarious women. Yet why is it that we are so focused on men? I've had to call some friends out on this lately. I get it. My 30th birthday is around the corner. My biological clock is running out. Yes, I probably have a few good years left of child bearing but let's be serious right now. The chances are lower, risks higher and quite frankly it will be a hell of a lot harder to get my body back in shape and YES that is very important to me. I'm not really sorry about that. I would like to have a child. MAYBE 2. I don't know yet. But the idea of committing to a man for so long scares me like nobody's business. Maybe that's one reason the boy crazy behavior is getting to me.
I believe that my main reason for this being such an annoyance to me is that my friends overthink all this nonsense (as we are all guilty of at times). You have to let yourself feel everything but where do you draw the line? Lately I feel as though so many of my friends are not even able to hold a real conversation anymore. They're basing their self worth on whether or not they hear from a man, if he likes her or wants to see her. We all enjoy attention but why does it have to be all consuming? Our friends know how amazing we are and we know how awesome we are. Why is this not enough?
I will admit that after my last breakup I took some steps in reverse which certainly stunted my growth for a few months. I have no one to blame for this but myself. What I learned is that he was not worth all of the time I spent just completely broken over him. His words meant nothing as soon as another girl took interest in him. Maybe I am cynical. Maybe I don't care anymore. But I'd rather spend my time being happy over things that I create myself, with family or friends. Not someone who treats me as though I'm expendable. I understand that these things are all easier said than done but I believe it is well worth it.

Wrong Today

Something is wrong today. For one thing I'm still not used to typing with these long idiot nails. I became really sad while i was in the shower. Out of nowhere. Random. Am I actually sad? Is it PMS? Because I had a bad dream last night? Also, it's been raining for more than 24 hours.

I've kind of been in a funk all day. Everything is so irritating. There's only one thing that I can say that i've been sad about. But it's just really there today. Poking me in the ribs over and over. I try not to think about it and most of the time I do a good job.

I just don't understand how we can miss things that didn't even make us happy.

Everything in Time

This song really is just perfect for what is going on in my life at this time. Of course my favorite band from the age of 11 would have a song that just fits. Lyrics are from rockgenius.com.

She asked how we are
She asked If I was all weird again
And of course I am
But I'm trying really hard
So I lied to her
And I was wearing this prisoner face
So deep inside she had to know
Once again I've lost control

For everything, there is a reason
Everything, I hope in time, will come

Lying in your bed
I am a refugee you try to love
But the love that he killed
Keeps coming back and haunting me
Am I wasting all of your time
And all my cute days on regrets?
Is it healthy that we met?

Everything always in time will show
Then we will know it will show
Everything always in time will come

Is it wrong holding in on
To my best friend, my faded lover?
Who knows?
Cinderella Hope
And it's all because he made me laugh
Coincidence or fate
Running towards a catastrophe
Save me

Everything always in time is gone
It'll be gone, we'll be gone
Everything always in time will come
Oh it will come, it will come
For everything there is a reason
I believe for everything there is a reason
And everything always in time will come

Watching Mom Go

Now that I’ve lost I don’t know where to go.

I don’t know where ANYTHING will go.

 Uncertainty always was a real bitch.

I know who I am and I’m beginning to feel it again, but mom’s gone and she’s never coming back. 

I think I just realized this and I want to be with her again.

 I remember exactly how it felt to sit on that hospital bed holding her tiny hand and hearing that I looked just like her. 

 I saw her smile and I smiled too because she was always so pretty. 

Then the glass started breaking and fuses started blowing and I stood beside her.

 I couldn’t sit because of all the machines.  

I still held her hand.

 It was harder this time because she had needles stuck in her hands and tape holding them on 

and she looked so sick that no one could really say that I looked like her.

 She couldn’t smile with a tube down her throat 

she couldn’t look at me while she was on life support.

 I talked to her and she heard me 

 she squeezed my hand and i wonder if there was something she wanted to say.

 Then all of her children left but my dad stayed and I guess she felt like leaving too. 

With every bit of hope that I had left I looked at her and kissed her forehead

 I told her I loved her and I’d see her tomorrow morning. 

There would be no tomorrow. 

Only a couple of hours more of that loud afternoon. 

You fooled me from the start when you let me start to love you

Warning- this post might be too honest for some people. And that's ok. Maybe don't read it if honesty isn't your thing. 

I have such a strange feeling right now. It's like in the beginning of the book House of Incest by Anais Nin. I feel like I have choked on and spat out my heart. For roughly a year I feel as though every time i pick up one piece of my life it's like I just go and knock another out of place. I know this won't happen forever. I know there is light at the end of this tunnel. I just can't see it yet. I know that I'm strong. I'm the product of a woman who had so much strength. My mother watched a man that she loved commit suicide before her very eyes. Like get it together Desiree. Really? You know better than this. Small potatoes in comparison to some things I've experienced. But right now I need to just feel what I'm feeling.

Truth be told I've only really loved 2 boys since I started dating. I usually am the one to go first. One broke my heart TWICE. Shame on me, right? I was older and smarter the second time, so although it hurt like hell, it was easier to come back from. I loved the person I was in my last relationship with. I can admit to that. I didn't always show it, but different circumstances and pride will often get in the way.

I feel like whenever you lose someone you love it's like experiencing a small death in your life. Certainly on a smaller scale and it feels different, but a death nonetheless. It's all a similar process. Maybe it's a friend or a relationship but the pain weighs on you regardless. It's such a strange push and pull of an abundance of sadness and then this void of emptiness. It goes back and forth and there's just no way to get a grasp on it.

I know I'm better off. But the good things sit in your head. Those ridiculous inside jokes that are equally offensive and endearing that you know you'll never have with anyone else. The text messages of articles or pictures that you know only you two can appreciate. You come across things that you see and your first instinct is to think "Oh, he'd think this is funny." Then it's like nope. Go ahead and erase that all out of your system. And then you have the very personal things. Things that only you two know about each other. With no judgement. Just the goal of going out of your comfort zone to make someone you love happy. But that's all gone now. I often try and pinpoint the time where it all went wrong and the love was lost. But I know I'll never figure it out. Sometimes relationships will die a young death. I never had as many difficult things happen to me throughout the course of a relationship than I did in this one. They were things you shouldn't have to deal with so early when you're with someone. And having them happen one after the other just makes it worse. I see how that can build resentment. The beginning of your relationship should be the best time. But I suppose it could also be looked at as a test. Together we just weren't strong enough to endure it. And that's ok. There were other things that contributed to this early death. Everyone has their dark times. I know I certainly do. You can't hold that against someone. It ended in some bruises but we all have our battle scars. We were both so wrong at different times. You live and learn.

I find myself crying at the most inconvenient times. Usually while talking to my dad who has literally been the best through all of this. I tend to cry while driving in the car. I think it's because I just think once I'm on the road. It's always for short amounts of time. The big one hasn't happened yet. I know it will. And I will welcome it when it comes. I need it. It needs to be out of my system. I just pray that I'm alone when it does. And preferably NOT in the car because that would be dangerous.

I have a wonderful family. My father, my brother and my stepmother have been amazing to me. My closest friends are the best. Distracting me. Making jokes to lighten the situation. I need all of this. And then I need my deep, dark time to feel the pain. It's a healing process. I'm making new friends which also takes my mind off of reality for a while. I'm thankful for the people who don't even have to listen to my story, but do just because they're good people. I know this is a new start for me (and even right there an old inside joke comes to mind. I suppose those will fade with time.) I'll make new memories. I know all of this. But i still need to just feel everything.

Side note- I feel like tall guys are going into extinction. what's the deal with that? Also, I can't take credit for my blog title. It's part of the song "Leaving Tonight" by The Neighbourhood.

Maybe next time I post I'll have happier things to say. Here's hoping. <3