I will preface this post by saying this: All of my female friends are amazing, strong, hilarious women. Yet why is it that we are so focused on men? I've had to call some friends out on this lately. I get it. My 30th birthday is around the corner. My biological clock is running out. Yes, I probably have a few good years left of child bearing but let's be serious right now. The chances are lower, risks higher and quite frankly it will be a hell of a lot harder to get my body back in shape and YES that is very important to me. I'm not really sorry about that. I would like to have a child. MAYBE 2. I don't know yet. But the idea of committing to a man for so long scares me like nobody's business. Maybe that's one reason the boy crazy behavior is getting to me.
I believe that my main reason for this being such an annoyance to me is that my friends overthink all this nonsense (as we are all guilty of at times). You have to let yourself feel everything but where do you draw the line? Lately I feel as though so many of my friends are not even able to hold a real conversation anymore. They're basing their self worth on whether or not they hear from a man, if he likes her or wants to see her. We all enjoy attention but why does it have to be all consuming? Our friends know how amazing we are and we know how awesome we are. Why is this not enough?
I will admit that after my last breakup I took some steps in reverse which certainly stunted my growth for a few months. I have no one to blame for this but myself. What I learned is that he was not worth all of the time I spent just completely broken over him. His words meant nothing as soon as another girl took interest in him. Maybe I am cynical. Maybe I don't care anymore. But I'd rather spend my time being happy over things that I create myself, with family or friends. Not someone who treats me as though I'm expendable. I understand that these things are all easier said than done but I believe it is well worth it.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Wrong Today
Something is wrong today. For one thing I'm still not used to typing with these long idiot nails. I became really sad while i was in the shower. Out of nowhere. Random. Am I actually sad? Is it PMS? Because I had a bad dream last night? Also, it's been raining for more than 24 hours.
I've kind of been in a funk all day. Everything is so irritating. There's only one thing that I can say that i've been sad about. But it's just really there today. Poking me in the ribs over and over. I try not to think about it and most of the time I do a good job.
I just don't understand how we can miss things that didn't even make us happy.
I've kind of been in a funk all day. Everything is so irritating. There's only one thing that I can say that i've been sad about. But it's just really there today. Poking me in the ribs over and over. I try not to think about it and most of the time I do a good job.
I just don't understand how we can miss things that didn't even make us happy.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Everything in Time
This song really is just perfect for what is going on in my life at this time. Of course my favorite band from the age of 11 would have a song that just fits. Lyrics are from rockgenius.com.
She asked how we are
She asked If I was all weird again
And of course I am
But I'm trying really hard
So I lied to her
And I was wearing this prisoner face
So deep inside she had to know
Once again I've lost control
For everything, there is a reason
Everything, I hope in time, will come
Lying in your bed
I am a refugee you try to love
But the love that he killed
Keeps coming back and haunting me
Am I wasting all of your time
And all my cute days on regrets?
Is it healthy that we met?
Everything always in time will show
Then we will know it will show
Everything always in time will come
Is it wrong holding in on
To my best friend, my faded lover?
Who knows?
Cinderella Hope
And it's all because he made me laugh
Coincidence or fate
Running towards a catastrophe
Save me
Everything always in time is gone
It'll be gone, we'll be gone
Everything always in time will come
Oh it will come, it will come
For everything there is a reason
I believe for everything there is a reason
And everything always in time will come
She asked If I was all weird again
And of course I am
But I'm trying really hard
So I lied to her
And I was wearing this prisoner face
So deep inside she had to know
Once again I've lost control
For everything, there is a reason
Everything, I hope in time, will come
Lying in your bed
I am a refugee you try to love
But the love that he killed
Keeps coming back and haunting me
Am I wasting all of your time
And all my cute days on regrets?
Is it healthy that we met?
Everything always in time will show
Then we will know it will show
Everything always in time will come
Is it wrong holding in on
To my best friend, my faded lover?
Who knows?
Cinderella Hope
And it's all because he made me laugh
Coincidence or fate
Running towards a catastrophe
Save me
Everything always in time is gone
It'll be gone, we'll be gone
Everything always in time will come
Oh it will come, it will come
For everything there is a reason
I believe for everything there is a reason
And everything always in time will come
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Watching Mom Go
Now that I’ve lost I don’t know where to go.
I don’t know where ANYTHING will go.
Uncertainty always was a real bitch.
I know who I am and I’m beginning to feel it again, but mom’s gone and she’s never coming back.
I think I just realized this and I want to be with her again.
I remember exactly how it felt to sit on that hospital bed holding her tiny hand and hearing that I looked just like her.
I saw her smile and I smiled too because she was always so pretty.
Then the glass started breaking and fuses started blowing and I stood beside her.
I couldn’t sit because of all the machines.
I still held her hand.
It was harder this time because she had needles stuck in her hands and tape holding them on
and she looked so sick that no one could really say that I looked like her.
She couldn’t smile with a tube down her throat
she couldn’t look at me while she was on life support.
I talked to her and she heard me
she squeezed my hand and i wonder if there was something she wanted to say.
Then all of her children left but my dad stayed and I guess she felt like leaving too.
With every bit of hope that I had left I looked at her and kissed her forehead
I told her I loved her and I’d see her tomorrow morning.
There would be no tomorrow.
Only a couple of hours more of that loud afternoon.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
You fooled me from the start when you let me start to love you
Warning- this post might be too honest for some people. And that's ok. Maybe don't read it if honesty isn't your thing.
I have such a strange feeling right now. It's like in the beginning of the book House of Incest by Anais Nin. I feel like I have choked on and spat out my heart. For roughly a year I feel as though every time i pick up one piece of my life it's like I just go and knock another out of place. I know this won't happen forever. I know there is light at the end of this tunnel. I just can't see it yet. I know that I'm strong. I'm the product of a woman who had so much strength. My mother watched a man that she loved commit suicide before her very eyes. Like get it together Desiree. Really? You know better than this. Small potatoes in comparison to some things I've experienced. But right now I need to just feel what I'm feeling.
Truth be told I've only really loved 2 boys since I started dating. I usually am the one to go first. One broke my heart TWICE. Shame on me, right? I was older and smarter the second time, so although it hurt like hell, it was easier to come back from. I loved the person I was in my last relationship with. I can admit to that. I didn't always show it, but different circumstances and pride will often get in the way.
I feel like whenever you lose someone you love it's like experiencing a small death in your life. Certainly on a smaller scale and it feels different, but a death nonetheless. It's all a similar process. Maybe it's a friend or a relationship but the pain weighs on you regardless. It's such a strange push and pull of an abundance of sadness and then this void of emptiness. It goes back and forth and there's just no way to get a grasp on it.
I know I'm better off. But the good things sit in your head. Those ridiculous inside jokes that are equally offensive and endearing that you know you'll never have with anyone else. The text messages of articles or pictures that you know only you two can appreciate. You come across things that you see and your first instinct is to think "Oh, he'd think this is funny." Then it's like nope. Go ahead and erase that all out of your system. And then you have the very personal things. Things that only you two know about each other. With no judgement. Just the goal of going out of your comfort zone to make someone you love happy. But that's all gone now. I often try and pinpoint the time where it all went wrong and the love was lost. But I know I'll never figure it out. Sometimes relationships will die a young death. I never had as many difficult things happen to me throughout the course of a relationship than I did in this one. They were things you shouldn't have to deal with so early when you're with someone. And having them happen one after the other just makes it worse. I see how that can build resentment. The beginning of your relationship should be the best time. But I suppose it could also be looked at as a test. Together we just weren't strong enough to endure it. And that's ok. There were other things that contributed to this early death. Everyone has their dark times. I know I certainly do. You can't hold that against someone. It ended in some bruises but we all have our battle scars. We were both so wrong at different times. You live and learn.
I find myself crying at the most inconvenient times. Usually while talking to my dad who has literally been the best through all of this. I tend to cry while driving in the car. I think it's because I just think once I'm on the road. It's always for short amounts of time. The big one hasn't happened yet. I know it will. And I will welcome it when it comes. I need it. It needs to be out of my system. I just pray that I'm alone when it does. And preferably NOT in the car because that would be dangerous.
I have a wonderful family. My father, my brother and my stepmother have been amazing to me. My closest friends are the best. Distracting me. Making jokes to lighten the situation. I need all of this. And then I need my deep, dark time to feel the pain. It's a healing process. I'm making new friends which also takes my mind off of reality for a while. I'm thankful for the people who don't even have to listen to my story, but do just because they're good people. I know this is a new start for me (and even right there an old inside joke comes to mind. I suppose those will fade with time.) I'll make new memories. I know all of this. But i still need to just feel everything.
Side note- I feel like tall guys are going into extinction. what's the deal with that? Also, I can't take credit for my blog title. It's part of the song "Leaving Tonight" by The Neighbourhood.
Maybe next time I post I'll have happier things to say. Here's hoping. <3
I have such a strange feeling right now. It's like in the beginning of the book House of Incest by Anais Nin. I feel like I have choked on and spat out my heart. For roughly a year I feel as though every time i pick up one piece of my life it's like I just go and knock another out of place. I know this won't happen forever. I know there is light at the end of this tunnel. I just can't see it yet. I know that I'm strong. I'm the product of a woman who had so much strength. My mother watched a man that she loved commit suicide before her very eyes. Like get it together Desiree. Really? You know better than this. Small potatoes in comparison to some things I've experienced. But right now I need to just feel what I'm feeling.
Truth be told I've only really loved 2 boys since I started dating. I usually am the one to go first. One broke my heart TWICE. Shame on me, right? I was older and smarter the second time, so although it hurt like hell, it was easier to come back from. I loved the person I was in my last relationship with. I can admit to that. I didn't always show it, but different circumstances and pride will often get in the way.
I feel like whenever you lose someone you love it's like experiencing a small death in your life. Certainly on a smaller scale and it feels different, but a death nonetheless. It's all a similar process. Maybe it's a friend or a relationship but the pain weighs on you regardless. It's such a strange push and pull of an abundance of sadness and then this void of emptiness. It goes back and forth and there's just no way to get a grasp on it.
I know I'm better off. But the good things sit in your head. Those ridiculous inside jokes that are equally offensive and endearing that you know you'll never have with anyone else. The text messages of articles or pictures that you know only you two can appreciate. You come across things that you see and your first instinct is to think "Oh, he'd think this is funny." Then it's like nope. Go ahead and erase that all out of your system. And then you have the very personal things. Things that only you two know about each other. With no judgement. Just the goal of going out of your comfort zone to make someone you love happy. But that's all gone now. I often try and pinpoint the time where it all went wrong and the love was lost. But I know I'll never figure it out. Sometimes relationships will die a young death. I never had as many difficult things happen to me throughout the course of a relationship than I did in this one. They were things you shouldn't have to deal with so early when you're with someone. And having them happen one after the other just makes it worse. I see how that can build resentment. The beginning of your relationship should be the best time. But I suppose it could also be looked at as a test. Together we just weren't strong enough to endure it. And that's ok. There were other things that contributed to this early death. Everyone has their dark times. I know I certainly do. You can't hold that against someone. It ended in some bruises but we all have our battle scars. We were both so wrong at different times. You live and learn.
I find myself crying at the most inconvenient times. Usually while talking to my dad who has literally been the best through all of this. I tend to cry while driving in the car. I think it's because I just think once I'm on the road. It's always for short amounts of time. The big one hasn't happened yet. I know it will. And I will welcome it when it comes. I need it. It needs to be out of my system. I just pray that I'm alone when it does. And preferably NOT in the car because that would be dangerous.
I have a wonderful family. My father, my brother and my stepmother have been amazing to me. My closest friends are the best. Distracting me. Making jokes to lighten the situation. I need all of this. And then I need my deep, dark time to feel the pain. It's a healing process. I'm making new friends which also takes my mind off of reality for a while. I'm thankful for the people who don't even have to listen to my story, but do just because they're good people. I know this is a new start for me (and even right there an old inside joke comes to mind. I suppose those will fade with time.) I'll make new memories. I know all of this. But i still need to just feel everything.
Side note- I feel like tall guys are going into extinction. what's the deal with that? Also, I can't take credit for my blog title. It's part of the song "Leaving Tonight" by The Neighbourhood.
Maybe next time I post I'll have happier things to say. Here's hoping. <3
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Titles are stupid... when I can't come up with anything decent.
I feel like I should start this post by letting everyone know that I'm slightly bitter right now. I should be in Phoenix right now where it's about 65 degrees celebrating one of my good friends nuptials. This stupid broken ankle has thrown a wrench in my plans because traveling alone on crutches would suck...especially when i have luggage and have to take a train to the airport.
So aside from that I guess the one thing that's really been on my mind is this... which really does not seem like such a difficult thing but yet here i am: Why would anyone push the issue of being in a relationship when they know they won't be able to give you 100%? I had read some interesting things about relationships and one of the tips really made me think. It said that each person shouldn't be giving 50% to the relationship. They should both be giving 100% to the relationship. This is so true. If you aren't able to do this then don't bother getting into one. I get that there are other things in life: work, friends, hobbies, etc. But there needs to be a certain balance. (Sorry, but I'm a Libra. Balancing things matter to me whether I can pull it off all the time or not.) Like it or not, you can't expect someone to give you their all if you're not willing to give yours. Whatever you're willing to invest you get back. Basically there was a time when I wasn't necessarily ready to get into a serious relationship. The other person kind of pushed the issue and made me feel like if I didn't jump then I'd lose the opportunity. I decided this person was worth it and the fear of it all was silly. I'd truly be missing out if I didn't go for it. But here's the thing: don't make me feel like I should really get myself into it if you aren't really and truly ready to give 100% to it. It's not fair to the other person. I just can't grasp it. If you want a relationship that bad and it's enough that you're really willing to make another person feel that pressure then you better be damn well ready to put that effort in. And relationships aren't just a part time deal. It's a friend, it's a lover, it's a family, it's a support system that you have to nourish and take care of. Nothing is ever perfect but it requires work whether you want it to or not. That's all.
Anyway, I had a really awesome and strange dream last night. Basically, I got a puppy. In my dream for whatever reason I kept telling people it was a pug, but it was really an tiny english bull dog puppy. You know how sometimes in your dreams something is one way but really it's something completely different? That's basically it. So whoever gave me this puppy did it anonymously. And the way they delivered it was odd. They put it on the bottom shelf of the oven. The oven wasn't turned on of course... I have weird dreams and I'm very aware of this. Anyway, I walked around with it a lot... it peed when I was carrying it in the grocery store and I had to clean it up. When it got dehydrated it started to look sort of plastic but as soon as i gave it water it perked back up and was a normal puppy. One of these instances of dehydration was especially weird because the puppy was hanging out behind my grandmother's oven and he started to get plastic looking... and apparently I had recently had a baby that no one knew about that was also behind the oven which also looked plastic and dehydrated... and what did I do? I ignored the baby, got the puppy water, didn't mention the baby to anyone and moved on with my life. I also almost accidentally drowned the puppy in a bowl of water but quickly corrected that situation. I was so excited to have this puppy, and in my dream I was all like "Yeah this is real!! I really have this puppy!!!" And then I woke up. What is wrong with me?!
So aside from that I guess the one thing that's really been on my mind is this... which really does not seem like such a difficult thing but yet here i am: Why would anyone push the issue of being in a relationship when they know they won't be able to give you 100%? I had read some interesting things about relationships and one of the tips really made me think. It said that each person shouldn't be giving 50% to the relationship. They should both be giving 100% to the relationship. This is so true. If you aren't able to do this then don't bother getting into one. I get that there are other things in life: work, friends, hobbies, etc. But there needs to be a certain balance. (Sorry, but I'm a Libra. Balancing things matter to me whether I can pull it off all the time or not.) Like it or not, you can't expect someone to give you their all if you're not willing to give yours. Whatever you're willing to invest you get back. Basically there was a time when I wasn't necessarily ready to get into a serious relationship. The other person kind of pushed the issue and made me feel like if I didn't jump then I'd lose the opportunity. I decided this person was worth it and the fear of it all was silly. I'd truly be missing out if I didn't go for it. But here's the thing: don't make me feel like I should really get myself into it if you aren't really and truly ready to give 100% to it. It's not fair to the other person. I just can't grasp it. If you want a relationship that bad and it's enough that you're really willing to make another person feel that pressure then you better be damn well ready to put that effort in. And relationships aren't just a part time deal. It's a friend, it's a lover, it's a family, it's a support system that you have to nourish and take care of. Nothing is ever perfect but it requires work whether you want it to or not. That's all.
Anyway, I had a really awesome and strange dream last night. Basically, I got a puppy. In my dream for whatever reason I kept telling people it was a pug, but it was really an tiny english bull dog puppy. You know how sometimes in your dreams something is one way but really it's something completely different? That's basically it. So whoever gave me this puppy did it anonymously. And the way they delivered it was odd. They put it on the bottom shelf of the oven. The oven wasn't turned on of course... I have weird dreams and I'm very aware of this. Anyway, I walked around with it a lot... it peed when I was carrying it in the grocery store and I had to clean it up. When it got dehydrated it started to look sort of plastic but as soon as i gave it water it perked back up and was a normal puppy. One of these instances of dehydration was especially weird because the puppy was hanging out behind my grandmother's oven and he started to get plastic looking... and apparently I had recently had a baby that no one knew about that was also behind the oven which also looked plastic and dehydrated... and what did I do? I ignored the baby, got the puppy water, didn't mention the baby to anyone and moved on with my life. I also almost accidentally drowned the puppy in a bowl of water but quickly corrected that situation. I was so excited to have this puppy, and in my dream I was all like "Yeah this is real!! I really have this puppy!!!" And then I woke up. What is wrong with me?!
Saturday, February 14, 2015
I haven't posted anything since 2011. Wow.
I guess I forewarned anyone that actually reads this that I might post a few times and then never touch this blog again... Well, almost but not quite. It is now 2015 and I realized that now, more than ever that I need to do this for the sake of my sanity.
So in the past year here's a quick summary of my life (disclaimer- it is NOT pretty): I somehow managed to get a severely herniated disc, I had to put my dog to sleep, I had spine surgery to fix that disc, I was on medical leave from work for 7 weeks, all of my good fitness habits went down the toilet and I gained 15 pounds, I lost my job and just very recently I broke my ankle. Needless to say it's been a rough year. I've never had this many bad things happen all at once. So that's that.
So today is Friday the 13th. I was in a really dark place earlier this evening. A REALLY dark place. Thankfully my best friend Cat who lives in Arizona called me. Even though I was crying my eyes out I picked up the phone. After a very long conversation this is what I learned:
Love does not kick you when you're down.
Love does not throw things in your face that are out of your control.
Love does not leave you at home on a Friday night to go get drunk when you're stuck here with a broken ankle and actually need someones help.
Which also made me realize that my relationship is over. I just can't exert anymore energy on it. So I won't.
She also made me realize that the friends that I have here who are just a drive away who make excuses to not come around or that flake out on me regularly are not real, true friends and I have to agree with her. And then SHE offered to come out here for a few days to help me out and she's like 2000 miles away. I would love that but I'd rather enjoy our time together than to be on crutches and in pain.
I'm almost 30. I want real, solid relationships in my life. But for some reason those are really hard to come by. It's a shame.
I'm going to make a serious effort to stay consistent with this blog even if no one reads it. Frankly I don't care if no one reads it because it's more for myself than anyone else. Later hookers.
So in the past year here's a quick summary of my life (disclaimer- it is NOT pretty): I somehow managed to get a severely herniated disc, I had to put my dog to sleep, I had spine surgery to fix that disc, I was on medical leave from work for 7 weeks, all of my good fitness habits went down the toilet and I gained 15 pounds, I lost my job and just very recently I broke my ankle. Needless to say it's been a rough year. I've never had this many bad things happen all at once. So that's that.
So today is Friday the 13th. I was in a really dark place earlier this evening. A REALLY dark place. Thankfully my best friend Cat who lives in Arizona called me. Even though I was crying my eyes out I picked up the phone. After a very long conversation this is what I learned:
Love does not kick you when you're down.
Love does not throw things in your face that are out of your control.
Love does not leave you at home on a Friday night to go get drunk when you're stuck here with a broken ankle and actually need someones help.
Which also made me realize that my relationship is over. I just can't exert anymore energy on it. So I won't.
She also made me realize that the friends that I have here who are just a drive away who make excuses to not come around or that flake out on me regularly are not real, true friends and I have to agree with her. And then SHE offered to come out here for a few days to help me out and she's like 2000 miles away. I would love that but I'd rather enjoy our time together than to be on crutches and in pain.
I'm almost 30. I want real, solid relationships in my life. But for some reason those are really hard to come by. It's a shame.
I'm going to make a serious effort to stay consistent with this blog even if no one reads it. Frankly I don't care if no one reads it because it's more for myself than anyone else. Later hookers.
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