Here we are. Again. I'm sitting here staring it in the face. That debilitating sadness that I can't shake. I know it will pass. This time I can't wait until it goes away. And again, I know it will. 99% of the people I talk to have the same reaction. Basically it's one big "REALLY?!" And I get to hear how wonderful people think I am. It's nice, but it doesn't change anything. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm just downright unfair and cruel. Maybe cruel is the wrong word. Unreasonable, perhaps. And so are you. We all are. We all have lows. We all have highs. Right now I'm lower than I thought I would be over a situation I didn't even want from the very beginning. I made a choice and my feelings followed suit. I guess it's good that I can admit I've been wrong. Some can't. But I'm not writing to justify my actions. I'm writing because I need to get it out. I'm writing because I should have been doing this all along.
Fear is a wild, ferocious animal. It will come to get you. It won't let you shake up your world and honestly we need to be shaken up every now and again. It will destroy you. Luckily I won't be here to see it. Sex and the city said it wonderfully and truthfully. Some people take up a few pages or maybe one chapter. Some day someone will finish the book. Just not today. And now I see why. Maybe I try and I fail and it's a cycle that can be disappointing at times. But guess what? At least I try. And one day something will stick. I won't have to worry about "what if?" I won't be haunted by regret.
You love. You lose. You learn. I don't possess a fragile heart by any means. I've seen some grief and tragedy in my 31 years. I can get through anything. I shouldn't even leave it at that. I should be able to accomplish anything. I suppose I was hoping that in spite of my feelings, my opinions and my downfalls that someone would actually fight for me. Stand by me. Defend me. Show some empathy and understanding. Easier said than done, it seems. I know brighter days are coming. Right now the pain is coursing through my body like I'm willingly injecting it into my own veins. It's a part of me and I need to let it take its course. It will fade as everything does and sun will shine itself on me again.
