Insert generic holiday blog post title

I began this post on Christmas Eve and now I'm carrying it through to now which is technically New Year's Eve. I've done a lot of reflecting. I talked to my mom as I often do when I'm having a meltdown. I like to ask her  what to do or how to handle things. Holidays bring me such mixed feelings. I feel so lonely even when I'm not alone. So I'll sit. And think. Maybe not drink anymore. Margarita and two beers is probably enough. So Netflix. Maybe Talihina Sky for the the billionth time. It usually makes me feel better. Until I see a guy like Caleb married to a girl like Lily and I know I'll never be a 6 foot tall super model. 

Sometimes I think that every back pedal or every bit of pain is just another piece being peeled away from my soul. Positivity is a nice idea. I work on it. I really nail it once in a while. Sometimes I wake up and it doesn't seem like the world is immediately caving in on me. But then I give it a few minutes to process and it's like whoa. People are dying. Hearts are being broken. Someone else is just as lost as I am. I'm not alone in this even if it isn't someone close to me that is experiencing similar feelings. And it's comforting regardless. 

These past few months have been tough. I've lost some very dear people whether it be to death or just leaving my life in some capacity or another. I'm getting older and things seem to affect me more than they used to. Death is more real and in my face because let's be honest, I'm not getting any younger. By a realistic standard I suppose I'm still young but I know a ridiculous amount of people younger than I who have full fledged families while I'm here still trying to figure out if I'll ever even love someone again or if I'll be just some silly sack of sad wondering what could have been. 

I turned 31 and I thought "ok, if you live as long as your mother you've got 20 years left." Absolutely terrifying. 

People die. I know this. You don't get to avoid this truth while working in facilities with the elderly. It's a fact of life. It still makes you grief stricken because loss is loss no matter how you try to decorate it. It hurt losing an 83 year old person who was not a blood relative that i still held dearly in my heart that I had grown close to. It was heart wrenching to lose my 38 year old cousin to cervical cancer whom I had not seen in 6 years that had 3 young boys who will not be able to be raised by an amazing mother. A lot of this is due to the fact that her mother was very close to my mother. When my mother died I became very close to my aunt. It's devastating to try and understand her pain, and I know I cannot. What I can say is that it's so wonderful to see how well loved she was by so many people. When I go I hope people feel the same for me.  

I just feel that life is so fickle and fleeting. Some people never find love. Love never finds some people. If you can find someone that loves you despite your differences then maybe it's best to hold on if you can. Anything can change in the blink of an eye. Why waste time over some silly disagreements and nonsense when there are things that are so much bigger than that;  so much bigger than all of us? Who cares what little fights or fusses we had when in the grand scheme none of that really matters? Hold on tight to what you love. It may not be there tomorrow. 

Your comfort zone will suffocate you. Your fear will eat you alive.

Here we are. Again. I'm sitting here staring it in the face. That debilitating sadness that I can't shake. I know it will pass. This time I can't wait until it goes away. And again, I know it will. 99% of the people I talk to have the same reaction. Basically it's one big "REALLY?!" And I get to hear how wonderful people think I am. It's nice, but it doesn't change anything. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm just downright unfair and cruel. Maybe cruel is the wrong word. Unreasonable, perhaps. And so are you. We all are. We all have lows. We all have highs. Right now I'm lower than I thought I would be over a situation I didn't even want from the very beginning. I made a choice and my feelings followed suit. I guess it's good that I can admit I've been wrong. Some can't. But I'm not writing to justify my actions. I'm writing because I need to get it out. I'm writing because I should have been doing this all along.

Fear is a wild, ferocious animal. It will come to get you. It won't let you shake up your world and honestly we need to be shaken up every now and again. It will destroy you. Luckily I won't be here to see it. Sex and the city said it wonderfully and truthfully. Some people take up a few pages or maybe one chapter. Some day someone will finish the book. Just not today. And now I see why. Maybe I try and I fail and it's a cycle that can be disappointing at times. But guess what? At least I try. And one day something will stick. I won't have to worry about "what if?" I won't be haunted by regret. 

You love. You lose. You learn. I don't possess a fragile heart by any means. I've seen some grief and tragedy in my 31 years. I can get through anything. I shouldn't even leave it at that. I should be able to accomplish anything. I suppose I was hoping that in spite of my feelings, my opinions and my downfalls that someone would actually fight for me. Stand by me. Defend me. Show some empathy and understanding. Easier said than done, it seems. I know brighter days are coming. Right now the pain is coursing through my body like I'm willingly injecting it into my own veins. It's a part of me and I need to let it take its course. It will fade as everything does and sun will shine itself on me again.