Titles are stupid... when I can't come up with anything decent.

I feel like I should start this post by letting everyone know that I'm slightly bitter right now. I should be in Phoenix right now where it's about 65 degrees celebrating one of my good friends nuptials. This stupid broken ankle has thrown a wrench in my plans because traveling alone on crutches would suck...especially when i have luggage and have to take a train to the airport.

So aside from that I guess the one thing that's really been on my mind is this... which really does not seem like such a difficult thing but yet here i am: Why would anyone push the issue of being in a relationship when they know they won't be able to give you 100%? I had read some interesting things about relationships and one of the tips really made me think. It said that each person shouldn't be giving 50% to the relationship. They should both be giving 100% to the relationship. This is so true. If you aren't able to do this then don't bother getting into one. I get that there are other things in life: work, friends, hobbies, etc. But there needs to be a certain balance. (Sorry, but I'm a Libra. Balancing things matter to me whether I can pull it off all the time or not.) Like it or not, you can't expect someone to give you their all if you're not willing to give yours. Whatever you're willing to invest you get back. Basically there was a time when I wasn't necessarily ready to get into a serious relationship. The other person kind of pushed the issue and made me feel like if I didn't jump then I'd lose the opportunity. I decided this person was worth it and the fear of it all was silly. I'd truly be missing out if I didn't go for it. But here's the thing: don't make me feel like I should really get myself into it if you aren't really and truly ready to give 100% to it. It's not fair to the other person. I just can't grasp it. If you want a relationship that bad and it's enough that you're really willing to make another person feel that pressure then you better be damn well ready to put that effort in. And relationships aren't just a part time deal. It's a friend, it's a lover, it's a family, it's a support system that you have to nourish and take care of. Nothing is ever perfect but it requires work whether you want it to or not. That's all.

Anyway, I had a really awesome and strange dream last night. Basically, I got a puppy. In my dream for whatever reason I kept telling people it was a pug, but it was really an tiny english bull dog puppy. You know how sometimes in your dreams something is one way but really it's something completely different? That's basically it. So whoever gave me this puppy did it anonymously. And the way they delivered it was odd. They put it on the bottom shelf of the oven. The oven wasn't turned on of course... I have weird dreams and I'm very aware of this. Anyway, I walked around with it a lot... it peed when I was carrying it in the grocery store and I had to clean it up. When it got dehydrated it started to look sort of plastic but as soon as i gave it water it perked back up and was a normal puppy. One of these instances of dehydration was especially weird because the puppy was hanging out behind my grandmother's oven and he started to get plastic looking... and apparently I had recently had a baby that no one knew about that was also behind the oven which also looked plastic and dehydrated... and what did I do? I ignored the baby, got the puppy water, didn't mention the baby to anyone and moved on with my life. I also almost accidentally drowned the puppy in a bowl of water but quickly corrected that situation. I was so excited to have this puppy, and in my dream I was all like "Yeah this is real!! I really have this puppy!!!" And then I woke up. What is wrong with me?!

I haven't posted anything since 2011. Wow.

I guess I forewarned anyone that actually reads this that I might post a few times and then never touch this blog again... Well, almost but not quite. It is now 2015 and I realized that now, more than ever that I need to do this for the sake of my sanity. 
So in the past year here's a quick summary of my life (disclaimer- it is NOT pretty): I somehow managed to get a severely herniated disc, I had to put my dog to sleep, I had spine surgery to fix that disc, I was on medical leave from work for 7 weeks, all of my good fitness habits went down the toilet and I gained 15 pounds, I lost my job and just very recently I broke my ankle. Needless to say it's been a rough year. I've never had this many bad things happen all at once. So that's that. 
So today is Friday the 13th. I was in a really dark place earlier this evening. A REALLY dark place. Thankfully my best friend Cat who lives in Arizona called me. Even though I was crying my eyes out I picked up the phone. After a very long conversation this is what I learned: 

Love does not kick you when you're down.
Love does not throw things in your face that are out of your control. 
Love does not leave you at home on a Friday night to go get drunk when you're stuck here with a broken ankle and actually need someones help.
Which also made me realize that my relationship is over. I just can't exert anymore energy on it. So I won't.

She also made me realize that the friends that I have here who are just a drive away who make excuses to not come around or that flake out on me regularly are not real, true friends and I have to agree with her. And then SHE offered to come out here for a few days to help me out and she's like 2000 miles away. I would love that but I'd rather enjoy our time together than to be on crutches and in pain. 

I'm almost 30. I want real, solid relationships in my life. But for some reason those are really hard to come by. It's a shame. 

I'm going to make a serious effort to stay consistent with this blog even if no one reads it. Frankly I don't care if no one reads it because it's more for myself than anyone else. Later hookers.