You fooled me from the start when you let me start to love you

Warning- this post might be too honest for some people. And that's ok. Maybe don't read it if honesty isn't your thing. 

I have such a strange feeling right now. It's like in the beginning of the book House of Incest by Anais Nin. I feel like I have choked on and spat out my heart. For roughly a year I feel as though every time i pick up one piece of my life it's like I just go and knock another out of place. I know this won't happen forever. I know there is light at the end of this tunnel. I just can't see it yet. I know that I'm strong. I'm the product of a woman who had so much strength. My mother watched a man that she loved commit suicide before her very eyes. Like get it together Desiree. Really? You know better than this. Small potatoes in comparison to some things I've experienced. But right now I need to just feel what I'm feeling.

Truth be told I've only really loved 2 boys since I started dating. I usually am the one to go first. One broke my heart TWICE. Shame on me, right? I was older and smarter the second time, so although it hurt like hell, it was easier to come back from. I loved the person I was in my last relationship with. I can admit to that. I didn't always show it, but different circumstances and pride will often get in the way.

I feel like whenever you lose someone you love it's like experiencing a small death in your life. Certainly on a smaller scale and it feels different, but a death nonetheless. It's all a similar process. Maybe it's a friend or a relationship but the pain weighs on you regardless. It's such a strange push and pull of an abundance of sadness and then this void of emptiness. It goes back and forth and there's just no way to get a grasp on it.

I know I'm better off. But the good things sit in your head. Those ridiculous inside jokes that are equally offensive and endearing that you know you'll never have with anyone else. The text messages of articles or pictures that you know only you two can appreciate. You come across things that you see and your first instinct is to think "Oh, he'd think this is funny." Then it's like nope. Go ahead and erase that all out of your system. And then you have the very personal things. Things that only you two know about each other. With no judgement. Just the goal of going out of your comfort zone to make someone you love happy. But that's all gone now. I often try and pinpoint the time where it all went wrong and the love was lost. But I know I'll never figure it out. Sometimes relationships will die a young death. I never had as many difficult things happen to me throughout the course of a relationship than I did in this one. They were things you shouldn't have to deal with so early when you're with someone. And having them happen one after the other just makes it worse. I see how that can build resentment. The beginning of your relationship should be the best time. But I suppose it could also be looked at as a test. Together we just weren't strong enough to endure it. And that's ok. There were other things that contributed to this early death. Everyone has their dark times. I know I certainly do. You can't hold that against someone. It ended in some bruises but we all have our battle scars. We were both so wrong at different times. You live and learn.

I find myself crying at the most inconvenient times. Usually while talking to my dad who has literally been the best through all of this. I tend to cry while driving in the car. I think it's because I just think once I'm on the road. It's always for short amounts of time. The big one hasn't happened yet. I know it will. And I will welcome it when it comes. I need it. It needs to be out of my system. I just pray that I'm alone when it does. And preferably NOT in the car because that would be dangerous.

I have a wonderful family. My father, my brother and my stepmother have been amazing to me. My closest friends are the best. Distracting me. Making jokes to lighten the situation. I need all of this. And then I need my deep, dark time to feel the pain. It's a healing process. I'm making new friends which also takes my mind off of reality for a while. I'm thankful for the people who don't even have to listen to my story, but do just because they're good people. I know this is a new start for me (and even right there an old inside joke comes to mind. I suppose those will fade with time.) I'll make new memories. I know all of this. But i still need to just feel everything.

Side note- I feel like tall guys are going into extinction. what's the deal with that? Also, I can't take credit for my blog title. It's part of the song "Leaving Tonight" by The Neighbourhood.

Maybe next time I post I'll have happier things to say. Here's hoping. <3