Titles are stupid... when I can't come up with anything decent.

I feel like I should start this post by letting everyone know that I'm slightly bitter right now. I should be in Phoenix right now where it's about 65 degrees celebrating one of my good friends nuptials. This stupid broken ankle has thrown a wrench in my plans because traveling alone on crutches would suck...especially when i have luggage and have to take a train to the airport.

So aside from that I guess the one thing that's really been on my mind is this... which really does not seem like such a difficult thing but yet here i am: Why would anyone push the issue of being in a relationship when they know they won't be able to give you 100%? I had read some interesting things about relationships and one of the tips really made me think. It said that each person shouldn't be giving 50% to the relationship. They should both be giving 100% to the relationship. This is so true. If you aren't able to do this then don't bother getting into one. I get that there are other things in life: work, friends, hobbies, etc. But there needs to be a certain balance. (Sorry, but I'm a Libra. Balancing things matter to me whether I can pull it off all the time or not.) Like it or not, you can't expect someone to give you their all if you're not willing to give yours. Whatever you're willing to invest you get back. Basically there was a time when I wasn't necessarily ready to get into a serious relationship. The other person kind of pushed the issue and made me feel like if I didn't jump then I'd lose the opportunity. I decided this person was worth it and the fear of it all was silly. I'd truly be missing out if I didn't go for it. But here's the thing: don't make me feel like I should really get myself into it if you aren't really and truly ready to give 100% to it. It's not fair to the other person. I just can't grasp it. If you want a relationship that bad and it's enough that you're really willing to make another person feel that pressure then you better be damn well ready to put that effort in. And relationships aren't just a part time deal. It's a friend, it's a lover, it's a family, it's a support system that you have to nourish and take care of. Nothing is ever perfect but it requires work whether you want it to or not. That's all.

Anyway, I had a really awesome and strange dream last night. Basically, I got a puppy. In my dream for whatever reason I kept telling people it was a pug, but it was really an tiny english bull dog puppy. You know how sometimes in your dreams something is one way but really it's something completely different? That's basically it. So whoever gave me this puppy did it anonymously. And the way they delivered it was odd. They put it on the bottom shelf of the oven. The oven wasn't turned on of course... I have weird dreams and I'm very aware of this. Anyway, I walked around with it a lot... it peed when I was carrying it in the grocery store and I had to clean it up. When it got dehydrated it started to look sort of plastic but as soon as i gave it water it perked back up and was a normal puppy. One of these instances of dehydration was especially weird because the puppy was hanging out behind my grandmother's oven and he started to get plastic looking... and apparently I had recently had a baby that no one knew about that was also behind the oven which also looked plastic and dehydrated... and what did I do? I ignored the baby, got the puppy water, didn't mention the baby to anyone and moved on with my life. I also almost accidentally drowned the puppy in a bowl of water but quickly corrected that situation. I was so excited to have this puppy, and in my dream I was all like "Yeah this is real!! I really have this puppy!!!" And then I woke up. What is wrong with me?!

I haven't posted anything since 2011. Wow.

I guess I forewarned anyone that actually reads this that I might post a few times and then never touch this blog again... Well, almost but not quite. It is now 2015 and I realized that now, more than ever that I need to do this for the sake of my sanity. 
So in the past year here's a quick summary of my life (disclaimer- it is NOT pretty): I somehow managed to get a severely herniated disc, I had to put my dog to sleep, I had spine surgery to fix that disc, I was on medical leave from work for 7 weeks, all of my good fitness habits went down the toilet and I gained 15 pounds, I lost my job and just very recently I broke my ankle. Needless to say it's been a rough year. I've never had this many bad things happen all at once. So that's that. 
So today is Friday the 13th. I was in a really dark place earlier this evening. A REALLY dark place. Thankfully my best friend Cat who lives in Arizona called me. Even though I was crying my eyes out I picked up the phone. After a very long conversation this is what I learned: 

Love does not kick you when you're down.
Love does not throw things in your face that are out of your control. 
Love does not leave you at home on a Friday night to go get drunk when you're stuck here with a broken ankle and actually need someones help.
Which also made me realize that my relationship is over. I just can't exert anymore energy on it. So I won't.

She also made me realize that the friends that I have here who are just a drive away who make excuses to not come around or that flake out on me regularly are not real, true friends and I have to agree with her. And then SHE offered to come out here for a few days to help me out and she's like 2000 miles away. I would love that but I'd rather enjoy our time together than to be on crutches and in pain. 

I'm almost 30. I want real, solid relationships in my life. But for some reason those are really hard to come by. It's a shame. 

I'm going to make a serious effort to stay consistent with this blog even if no one reads it. Frankly I don't care if no one reads it because it's more for myself than anyone else. Later hookers.

Why does every blog post have to have a title?

Last week I was awfully whiny. Oh well. Everyone is entitled to that sometimes. Moving on.

So I got my wisdom teeth out Friday evening. Not pleasant... And I only got 2 out! My face was mighty swollen and still is for that matter. Not quite as much as day 2 but I still think I slightly resemble Stan from American Dad. Not attractive, let me tell you. Today is the only day I really went out in public for real and only because I desperately needed Abreva for the super hot cold sore I developed sometime yesterday. Actually, I suppose my visit to the doctor yesterday for a regular physical examination qualifies as venturing out in public, so I just lied. I got a bunch of blood work done and a tetanus shot. I totally feel like someone punched me in my left arm. On the bright side, I weigh 123 pounds. This is fantastic because last year at this time I weighed 143 or more. And for me, that is FAT. I'm 5'2". We can't allow these things. Stay tuned for the blog post about how I managed to get to a really good weight. It took a lot of trial and error, but I did it.

I registered for an acting class. I'm really excited. Probably more nervous than anything... But they make pills for that so they will come in handy. The sad part is that i have to pay my $300 in payments of $100 at a time. I'm poor. It's true. Maybe this class will give me what I need to make it in the acting world. Who knows? If other people can do it then why can't I?

I stayed home from work today because of my swollen face and the fact that I think it's a better idea to not be on painkillers at work. I will return tomorrow. Hopefully soon I can stop my diet of pudding, jello, yogurt and oatmeal. It kind of sucks. You know what else sucks? That probably no one else reads this blog. Oh well. As long as I can entertain myself then that works for me.

I know that this blog post was pretty much pointless, but I don't care. To conclude, I will mention 3 things that I am very into right now and highly recommend. As far as books go, right now I am reading Water For Elephants. I am enjoying it. I will have an update about what I really think once I am finished which should be in a few days. As for music, I am really loving Oh Land. I mean, I really love her music. Seriously. And although I don't watch a ton of tv, I do allow myself one show addiction at a time. Since I am finally caught up on Dexter, I had to pick something. I think I chose wisely. I am currently on the 4th episode of Californication and I'm hooked. Definitely a great show.

Maybe tomorrow night or Thursday I will write about how the the acting class went. I can't focus anymore because of the pain meds. Ta ta!

I wish something....ANYTHING...mattered today.

Maybe tomorrow something will. I don't know yet. But today, I'm feeling hopeless, lost and I guess, broken...for lack of a better word. I feel like if I withered away to nothing that that would be okay. It wouldn't matter. Everything seems so far out of reach. Like nothing is possible right now... Maybe not ever. I feel very weak. Most people that know me would say that this is completely out if character. Lately though, it really isn't.

I feel like there's no one behind me. No one to believe in me. No one to talk to about anything. I feel completely and utterly alone. I also feel like I'm in that scene from Beetlejuice where Winona Ryder is writing that really depressing note, so I'm going to stop now.

Tomorrow HAS TO be a better day.

Good stuff

Just whipped this up randomly... If you like breakfast food, try it. Mix egg whites, a small amount of low-fat grated cheddar cheese, some fresh parsley,one garlic clove sliced up, ground black pepper and crushed red pepper. I made it into more of a scrambled egg kind of deal, but you could make it into an omelette. I've never tried it before, but I really liked it. Also, the reason I don't provide exact measurements is because I literally did not measure anything. I just like to throw crap together and see what happens. Enjoy.

Here I am.

Hi, my name is Desiree and I have life ADD. So if this blog eventually stops and never starts back up, at least you have some idea as to why. I think my "Life ADD" could translate into "Commitment Phobe" as well. This is something i will need to look into. I'm glad we got that out of the way.

I'm not exactly good at this... And by that I mean maintaining a blog where I have to type. I'd much rather be writing with a pen and paper but that would take me twice as long and is so not green of me.

I thought that my first post would be a good opportunity to give you an idea of what to expect here... Although knowing what to expect is not always interesting. A quick overview can't hurt though. At times I will bitch about things that piss me off.I try not to do that too often because I don't want to sound like a whiney complainer. Some of the things I post may sound sort of philosophical. I don't think they actually are, they're usually just silly ideas that I come up with that I like to blab about. I may give you a blast from the past once in a while from an ex-blog or even (gasp) some things I have handwritten over the years. The old blogs I will be able to provide dates for. Some of the handwritten things I can give an approximate date on that will probably end up being wrong. I may write about the book or magazine I'm reading and possibly the TV show that I'm currently watching. At other times I may obsess about my fitness and nutrition routines which includes how awesome I'm doing or when I completely mess it up. I also like to take pictures of my cats. Sorry, but it's true. I can never give you an overview that will sum it all up, and really, who would want one? Then this would be no fun to read because you'd already know what to expect. Just an FYI, don't ask me about my blog title. I guess I'd rather leave it open to interpretation, especially because it could mean different things for me and anyone else at any given time. Way to be vague, huh?

This is all I have for now. (notice I didn't say for today, because who knows what else today will bring?) but right now, I'm hungry so I'm going downstairs to make egg whites. I also have cramps, so I'm going to sit on the couch and start a new book(Insatiable by Meg Cabot) and watch some TV (starting season 4 of Dexter) and I just might lay by a pool since i'm sure it is well over 90 degrees out today. So....until next time.